I haven’t written all week because truthfully, it’s been a rough one and I feel like everytime I write, it’s about my endless cycles of ups and downs, ebbs and flows. I know that everyone has days, weeks, or months like this- but admitting when you are in a funk (especially on a public blog) isn’t easy to do. Frankly, most of the time it’s easier to bury emotions than confront them head on and admit that they are a force to be reckoned with.
My self-confidence took a major blow this week, and I kept hoping that I would wake up one day and feel back on track, ready to spread some light and positivity to the world. But sooner or later you have to come to terms with your situation, and this is mine. Writing is my catharsis, so I guess the only way to get back to myself is to write, to pour out all of the negativity and allow some optimism to take its place.
It is so easy to allow one misstep to throw your entire life off kilter- especially when it feels like everything has been going your way. Isn’t it funny how one unkind word, one incident of road rage, one personal slight can derail a perfectly good day? Life is a series of two steps forward, one step back- this week was my one step back. On the bright side, I guess that means that I’ll have a few steps forward coming up soon.
My goal of this blog was to be completely raw and unedited. So much of the internet is about projecting the best version of yourself- showing off your new shoes, your adorable children, your recent promotion. What we don’t see is that sometimes the new shoes were purchased on a maxed out credit card, those adorable children can be straight-up jerks, and the recent promotion comes with an extra 20 hours of overtime per week.
Someone told me recently that I seem like I have it altogether, and I didn’t know whether to laugh or cry. I never want to project the image that I have it all figured out, all of the time. Yes, sometimes I have it together. Some days I feel like I’ve hit my stride and I can keep confidently moving forward. Other times I feel like I am hanging on by a thread. On those days, I just have to drag myself out of bed and force myself to act like an adult.
We are entitled to our emotions, both good and bad. We are allowed to be angry, frustrated, or jealous just as much as we are allowed to be happy, fearless, or peaceful. What is important is how we deal with those emotions. Do we use them to motivate progress and change? Or do we allow them to beat us down and defeat us? Admittedly, I’ve allowed myself to be defeated this week; I’ve allowed doubt and paranoia to seep into my conscience, and I’ve spent a lot of time questioning my self-worth.
To steal a note from Anonymous groups everywhere: The first step towards recovery is admitting that there is a problem. So, here’s to life’s backward steps. Here’s to acknowledging that I’m having a rough go of it. Here is to facing issues head on instead of ignoring them. Here is to allowing myself to feel down at times. And here is to brushing myself off, and taking another step forward in spite of this.