I’ve realized over the past week or so that the happier I am, the harder it is for me to write. Isn’t it funny how that works? The whole ‘tortured artist’ persona makes much more sense to me now- negativity makes for a very good muse. When I am upset and my mind is racing, the words just flow out of me without me having to give it much thought. When I am especially anxious, my thoughts and emotions are so rapid-fire that I feel like if I don’t sit down and start typing, my head will surely explode. On the contrary, when my mind is calm, I find that I actually have to think about what to say- which is why its been so hard for me to write recently. That being said, I’d rather be less motivated to write because I am more inclined to live. (I mean ‘live’ in the ‘wholeheartedly experience life’ sense, not the ‘opposite of death’ sense).
I said to Brendan at one point over the weekend that I just feel happy, for no reason at all. That sounds melodramatic, but it’s true. For the past 6 months or so, I haven’t really felt happy unless there was a reason to be- a holiday, a vacation, an impulse purchase, etc. It feels so good to find peace with the routine, humdrum pace of everyday life. It took a few weeks to find that new sense of normal, but I think I am finally getting there. I still have my bouts of crippling self doubt, but they are fewer and farther between these days. I’m not sure if I feel this way because I’m finally realizing that the world hasn’t screeched to a halt on account of me, or if it’s because the weather has been absolutely beautiful, but I suspect it’s a bit of both. It’s nearly impossible to be miserable when the sun is shining and the birds are chirping; I want to live in a world where the seasons ebb and flow between perpetual states of spring and fall. Yes, I know that I probably wouldn’t fully appreciate the beauty of April and October without suffering through February and August, but I’m willing to give it a try!
I’ve been trying to enjoy the gorgeous weather as much as possible- we went golfing on Sunday, and on Monday night we took Kona to the creek for a swim. I felt so at peace, which I always do when I’m out in nature and disconnected from everything else. When Brendan and I first started dating, we used to walk along a wooded trail and just talk for hours; my favorite memories with him almost always involve doing something outside. We don’t have functioning air conditioning currently (the units will be installed at the beginning of May) so I’ve been loving having the windows open and getting fresh air. The thermostat consistently reads between 72 and 80 degrees, which in my mind is absolutely perfect, although the other 2 members of this household would tend to disagree.
On Saturday, I took Kona outside in the morning and I noticed one single tulip growing in our weed-ravaged garden. I almost overlooked it at first, since I’ve been trying to turn a blind eye to the disarray of our yard in hopes that one morning I will wake up and find it perfectly landscaped. Alas, this has not happened yet and yard work is on the agenda for this weekend. Tulips are my absolute favorite flower, and it was such a treat to find this little red and yellow gem growing right outside of our back door. It feel like such a metaphor for my life- sometimes the weeds overtake the garden and it seems like nothing will bloom again, but if you look hard enough, you might find that a flower pokes through. That little tulip made my day, it was such a sign of hope.